Love Letter

Even though I never met you, I still miss you, I can feel you in my dreams and I hope that when you wake up just maybe you'll remember me... And now I believe that this is fate, 'cause baby we belong together. I know everything is gonna be OK just as long as we have each other through the sunshine and through the rain, I know that it'll last forever... just last night I stayed up late and I wrote you a love letter.

What could I do to get you back, because I know we were meant to be together. I just can't stand the idea of letting go of your hand, because this might mean entering in a dark forest, full of mystery and despair. And is this what I want? Do I want to close my eyes and let go? Can I do it without any remorse, without having that thought that it could've been better. For once, it could've been better. 

But something happened for the very first time with you, my heart melts into the ground found something true, and everyone's looking round thinking I'm going crazy... But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you! They try to pull me away, but they don't know the truth... My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing.

You cut me open and I... keep bleeding. But you are the one to help me. You can save me. Come back and these scars will disappear, they will fade away with time. Otherwise, I'll wear them for everyone to see. I'm begging you, come back in my life so the sun will shine again. Come back so my smile won't fade away. 

I'll have my hope forever, 'cause you are my only hope. I'm not scared...

Je t'attendrai, mon amour. Je ne partirai pas. Je n'oublierai pas.

Backwards were they moving

I forgot to tell you how much I've missed you. No, not that mask, the foil that covered your face, your heart and your feelings. No, no, your inner self, your deep feelings that are once again hidden. And why is that? You play a foolish game just to fool yourself, you know you'll never be able to... let it go. And neither can I, but that is not the point.

You have to make a choice, but remember that one will suffer either way - you or me? Escape? Do you really want to exit your own game? I'm afraid you blocked that possibility the first time you entered the quest for happiness. Or should I call it some other way, because I'm sure you've never acquired a stage of happiness and that is not the goal. But which is it, after all? I want to know... Or, could I guess? Isn't it just to break as many hearts as possible, try to see who has many and use them all?

They're all just pawns, trying to stand in our way. Why don't you let them live, spare their lives. It's me the one you want. But I'm commencing to doubt what kind of want...

Nevertheless, I am waiting for you.

Not finished

I've got my hear in trouble. Is it because of those sparks, those bright flashes that make you dizzy? And why is that, why are you ready to be on my side? Why are you ready to wave, to make me observe you? Don't you know I already found out you're there? Don't you know I know?

But, but, but, a hug is better than a kiss and a look is better than a word. I'd give anything for one, of course, but I am not the risky type, so we'll remain at the "sparks in night" stage. I want you, but I don't want to have it on my head after all.

I trusted all the same, but I don't know why. I knew you'd lie to me after all, but I've foreseen it and prevented it. How? By ending it. It's you and me till the end of time.

I love you. I just don't like you any more.

Bite the blood

Look at me. Glaze into my eyes and try for at least one second to picture me as if nothing has ever happened to me ever. Not two minute ago, neither a couple of years, nor when i was young and foolish. Never. I lived a life without...indentations. No adventure had place in my heart, not even a drop of adrenaline has been poured into my blood. My young, untouched, pristine blood, red as a rose and sweet as honey. 

Would you be able to do this? To try and fade me away, lose my scars and put back together my feelings? Or would you stand in front of me, thinking that you have nothing to do, because I am already too... sacred. Walking towards me, shaking and whispering... delaying your thoughts and yielding the action. But no, you grab me forcefully and bite. You bite me. I bleed. Simple, right? There it is - adrenaline, fear, loath for dying. You think this makes up for my entire life, that life that was... "unlived"? I'm afraid you are wrong, because here and now, in front of you, my eyes stare at the floor, a creaky wooden floor, and see a little red drop splashing and dirtying the ground. 

Will you let me die here, bitten by the loving angel? 'Cause I hope I won't have to continue trying to cure myself , on a hospital bed. Do you think you can do it? Do you...? Please lick my blood and leave. It'll be better.

Iluzia infinitului

Iti amintesti de acel gang, acel intrand de care ti-am vorbit cu ani in urma? Locul de care imi era frica, crezand ca pot fi indepartat de pe drumul meu normal? Desigur ca-ti amintesti, doar ti-am vorbit insistent, povestindu-ti fiecare detaliu insignificant. Ei bine, anii au trecut, povestea s-a modificat, a fost vizibil alterata... Probabil, unii ar spune ca vad in mine o fire nebuna, altii se gandesc ca sunt tanar si... de ce nu as face asa ceva?

Fiecare pas, fiecare masina care trece pe langa mine atat de aproape, fiecare fulg de nea sau raza de soare, le simt pe toate in drumul meu zilnic spre acea poarta a fericirii. Poate ca imi formez o lume imaginara cateodata, dar ar fi atat de bine sa putem trai cu totii in ea... Fara lupte, certuri sau competitii... Poate la asta ma gandesc cand ma apropii de acea deschizatura in blocul ce isi impune o pozitie conducatoare in fata mea, terifiindu-ma de fiecare data... Si... cum as putea sa scap de acest blestem? De demonii ce ma urmaresc, ce incearca sa ma traga inapoi, de acea teama ce patrunde in oasele mele precum frigul unei zile geroase de iarna... Cum?!

La un geam, aproape de etajul 5, se vede o draperie crem, impiedicandu-mi vederea sa patrunda in ascunzisurile acelei camere... Dar nu. Poate ca eu nu pot sa privesc in sufletele celor ce salasluiesc in acel mic spatiu, umplut de un pat si, probabil, un dulapior. Dar ea, acea persoana care ma priveste zilnic, zilnic apropiindu-ma de gang, zilnic schimbandu-mi expresia fetei uitandu-ma spre cer, apoi, intuitiv, spre bloc, zilnic crezand - sperand - ca cineva ma priveste si doreste ca eu sa fiu fericit. Si de ce as dezamagi-o?

Poate ca in acea camera nu este nimic in afara firelor de praf si a draperiei crem. Poate nicio urma de viata nu vegheaza asupra drumului meu. Poate ca nimanui nu ii pasa de mine, de ceea ce fac si de ceea ce simt... Dar nu este, oare, mai bine sa cred?

Si, intr-adevar, dupa ce acest gand imi fulgera prin minte, privesc spre cerul innorat sau spre soarele stralucind, imi indept privirea catre draperia crem, acoperita de o fereastra murdara, de la etajul 5, si un zambet mi se intipareste pe fata.

It's a wild world...

It's hard to get by just upon a smile... But after all, it's just the coldest story ever told. Ever heard. You lost your soul to someone so heartless, but you didn't care. You went on, knowing how heartless you've become as well.  Friends are surrounding you, but only that man is the only one that matters. Nothing else matters for you - desires, pleasure, love or friendship. You're like sparkling water, jumping out from my glass - never know when you're gonna explode, innit?

What are you waiting for? The cue? Your whole life is a cue... so why not try it now...? The more you extend your pain, you may prologue someone else's pain as well. I'm gonna take off tonight. Into the night. I'll leave you rot in there, because it seems you're not the only insensitive one. It seems I've become heartless, just as you were.

Hope

Breathe happiness and exhale love. You'll get used to it and as much as you'd like to say that you'll like it forever, you know that by tomorrow you'll be tired of this routine. This is what happens to everyone... everything. Why do you think you left? You wanted something new, of course. Why have the birds stopped from singing? They wanted to listen to the world, without their sounds. To see how would it be without them.

However, why do you think my blood stopped from its usual track when I saw you? I guess that yes, I was tired and I left, but then, when I saw you again you revived memories in me, I relived feelings that I thought I'd never be able to feel again. And then? Then what? Did I think you were going to input one of your dark kisses on my lips? Fill them with dirt, shame and shivers? Did I think I'd live like this, wanting, but not receiving?

I'm telling you, a heart can't be unbroken. I hope you get all that you want, 'cause I didn't. And when I finally figured that out, my blood resurrected. But it was too late... And that was the moment when I fell on the floor, having nothing to feel at all...

This time, 9/11 won't be the death of us

So many unrequited loves, so many kids playing with toys, so many lives... lost. Ten years ago, nothing seemed to be wrong in New York, but something was. And it was scary, terrifying, tormenting. So many things were lost, so many died without fulfilling their goal in life... It was a game, but this time, the good character lost. And he lost a big fortune - people's lives. And not just a few, hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands.

Maybe this time, we'll make the right movement. Maybe this time somebody will become a singer after years of pain and torture,  crawling to the top and auditioning every once in a while... Maybe somebody will end up on a stage, this time, to take a bow and receive a standing ovation. Maybe. Maybe we'll live after ten years, with safety in our hearts. Or maybe not, because we've seen already that we can be brought down. We can collapse. We can die. We, we are not eternal. We are infinite.

Love (II)

Maybe we forgot what we want, but I do know what I crave for right now. Yes, I need love, no matter how hard it could be for me to achieve it and no matter who'd be the one who gave it to me. My world begins to crumble and I can no longer steady myself on the ground that's shaking beneath my feet. But I know that you'll be there and you'll rescue me, just like I would've saved you from the devil's tongue. But... is this really what I want? Is this really love?

I don't want you to check my every movement, I don't want you to verify my breathing every time and I definitely don't want you to take my hand and make me do everything you say. Love helps you compliment each other's life, but all that you do could be easily classified as complicating it. I'd like to heal for the honey and to feel all the sweetness that you have, but I'm no longer that person that indulges in a bath of sugar and then comes alive all happy, just to start again - sharing kisses, making out and falling in each other's arms. Being poised by your words and sipping on your saliva just as it would be earl grey. No, I don't even want to think about such things. They disgust me. I am disgusted by stalkers and you, my lovely dear, are just the perfect one.

I believe it, you are always there for me, you always answer my questions. But I suddenly stopped liking "always". Yesterday I was the one who believed in jealousy, today, when my veil has finally been lifted off my eyes, I don't believe in always any more. I don't believe in stalking, I don't trust air-sucking presences. I want space. More than you could imagine. I wish those words that came out of your mouth weren't for me. Disappointingly, everything you say regards me - someone's hair is not as nice as mine, someone's piece of clothing is so... silly in comparison with mine, personality, life, friends, family.

What? You thought that if at first you don't succeed you have to lie? To lie again? To crawl your way up to me? No, love, I ain't up high, but you just gotta know the way to my heart, through the maze of sentimental debris. And it is a secret, precious one. One you'll never be able to figure out. Love is when your insides twist. But do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... And that's when you know it was love.

A crush can last a lot, but love lasts forever. You, you think you love me, but... I'm your little secret crush, I'm the one who appears in every dream you have, but I'm also the one that refused your heart. You were willing to give it away, but I didn't take it. I didn't want it. It seems that, after all, I always say "Hi, hi, hi" just to... just to tell you "Bye, bye, bye...". And that is not what love feels like. Mostly because love means two. Two bodies, albeit only one soul. And you are neither my missing body nor my other part of my soul. 

We could be acquaintances. I love my friends and I don't love you. I don't believe in that love, that childish love - holding hands, cuddling, drinking wine and living in the twilight. I reckon my time for loving has passed... I may collect jars of hearts, but I don't want yours close to me. 

One day. That day.

They think it's just a park, I know it's the place where so many things have happened to me. Some believe that year was never going to end, I hoped it would never end. People see that lake just like an old poodle, full of dirt and algae. I believe it's the best view I could ever get. That was a building for them - one that was about to crash. For me? The magical place that helped me in the most difficult situations. And that little shop right there that they brought down? That's the place I once bought a lollipop from. Memories. I am the only one that has certain views upon places, people and feelings. Only I know what they meant to me.

That's exactly why for some it was that day when it rained like in a shower and for me it was one of the best days I could ever live. And that month? That hard month when somebody was in debt, some had issues and some were sad? Someone made it special for me, making me understand that anything can happen whilst people live different things. We don't experience the same think. At least, not in the same moment. We don't stand a chance at being profoundly happy altogether. It would be a waist of time to be grieving at the same moment. And what about love? Does it deserve being lived, felt at the same moment or it is wrong, because some may love the same person and will end up suffering?

I may be thinking that a drop of water, silly as it is, is my only chance to stay alive. But others? Others try to block it from wetting them, try to shoo it away, to get rid of it. And what is this all about, after all? About differences, and how we can like differently, feel different things? Or is it just because of the selfishness that makes us want something no one possesses? New. Untested.

So much has happened then - fear, joy, loathing, happiness, anxiety and desire. Then. They see it as a day. I remember it as being that day.