Love (II)

Maybe we forgot what we want, but I do know what I crave for right now. Yes, I need love, no matter how hard it could be for me to achieve it and no matter who'd be the one who gave it to me. My world begins to crumble and I can no longer steady myself on the ground that's shaking beneath my feet. But I know that you'll be there and you'll rescue me, just like I would've saved you from the devil's tongue. But... is this really what I want? Is this really love?

I don't want you to check my every movement, I don't want you to verify my breathing every time and I definitely don't want you to take my hand and make me do everything you say. Love helps you compliment each other's life, but all that you do could be easily classified as complicating it. I'd like to heal for the honey and to feel all the sweetness that you have, but I'm no longer that person that indulges in a bath of sugar and then comes alive all happy, just to start again - sharing kisses, making out and falling in each other's arms. Being poised by your words and sipping on your saliva just as it would be earl grey. No, I don't even want to think about such things. They disgust me. I am disgusted by stalkers and you, my lovely dear, are just the perfect one.

I believe it, you are always there for me, you always answer my questions. But I suddenly stopped liking "always". Yesterday I was the one who believed in jealousy, today, when my veil has finally been lifted off my eyes, I don't believe in always any more. I don't believe in stalking, I don't trust air-sucking presences. I want space. More than you could imagine. I wish those words that came out of your mouth weren't for me. Disappointingly, everything you say regards me - someone's hair is not as nice as mine, someone's piece of clothing is so... silly in comparison with mine, personality, life, friends, family.

What? You thought that if at first you don't succeed you have to lie? To lie again? To crawl your way up to me? No, love, I ain't up high, but you just gotta know the way to my heart, through the maze of sentimental debris. And it is a secret, precious one. One you'll never be able to figure out. Love is when your insides twist. But do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... And that's when you know it was love.

A crush can last a lot, but love lasts forever. You, you think you love me, but... I'm your little secret crush, I'm the one who appears in every dream you have, but I'm also the one that refused your heart. You were willing to give it away, but I didn't take it. I didn't want it. It seems that, after all, I always say "Hi, hi, hi" just to... just to tell you "Bye, bye, bye...". And that is not what love feels like. Mostly because love means two. Two bodies, albeit only one soul. And you are neither my missing body nor my other part of my soul. 

We could be acquaintances. I love my friends and I don't love you. I don't believe in that love, that childish love - holding hands, cuddling, drinking wine and living in the twilight. I reckon my time for loving has passed... I may collect jars of hearts, but I don't want yours close to me. 

One day. That day.

They think it's just a park, I know it's the place where so many things have happened to me. Some believe that year was never going to end, I hoped it would never end. People see that lake just like an old poodle, full of dirt and algae. I believe it's the best view I could ever get. That was a building for them - one that was about to crash. For me? The magical place that helped me in the most difficult situations. And that little shop right there that they brought down? That's the place I once bought a lollipop from. Memories. I am the only one that has certain views upon places, people and feelings. Only I know what they meant to me.

That's exactly why for some it was that day when it rained like in a shower and for me it was one of the best days I could ever live. And that month? That hard month when somebody was in debt, some had issues and some were sad? Someone made it special for me, making me understand that anything can happen whilst people live different things. We don't experience the same think. At least, not in the same moment. We don't stand a chance at being profoundly happy altogether. It would be a waist of time to be grieving at the same moment. And what about love? Does it deserve being lived, felt at the same moment or it is wrong, because some may love the same person and will end up suffering?

I may be thinking that a drop of water, silly as it is, is my only chance to stay alive. But others? Others try to block it from wetting them, try to shoo it away, to get rid of it. And what is this all about, after all? About differences, and how we can like differently, feel different things? Or is it just because of the selfishness that makes us want something no one possesses? New. Untested.

So much has happened then - fear, joy, loathing, happiness, anxiety and desire. Then. They see it as a day. I remember it as being that day.

May the odds be ever in your favor!

She told me she'd chase me to the sky. It was a bright winter morning when I saw her sobbing next to a tree. I wanted to help, I wanted to comfort her and tell her that everything is going to be alright. I wanted her to stop crying, because it makes my heart crumble inside. And then, I did it. As if knowing what I'd thought, she told me with a silver chuckle: "It's going to be the best day of your life".

I was overwhelmed by the whirlwind that caught me, drowning my soul into darkness. Or was it more than that? A feeling I've never felt before... contempt? Happiness? The bright lights, the city getting bigger and bigger around me, I knew that's the crazy, cold world waiting for me, but I tried to stop it, I tried to find her. I wanted her to give me a little more than happiness embellished and polished with fear. I'm not calling you a liar, girl, but please don't lie to me. My heart is going to explode into thousands fireworks, one of them being you indeed. And then? How will it all change? I can't take one more step for you... I'm waiting and waiting, but the soreness  inside my heart aches each time I think that I'm just a ghost. Your ghost. Who do you think you are to make me feel like this? Wandering an exhausting city, with nothing but my soul to offer. Alone, in the dark. Disappointed.  I'm circling the thoughts that never leave me, but guess what! This is going to be the last day of this cruel imprisonment. I want to live. Because everything in love is a lie. I closed my eyes and let go of her hand.

Life is bigger than you and me and I know that the distance in your eyes says it all. You know, I'm crouched in a corner, living forever with the fear that before you died you smiled. Scratch that, you laughed vigorously. You said you need someone like everybody does. I'm no different than you, but you point your finger at everyone but yourself, you blame the people you love that only want to help. We'll meet and together, we'll fight these demons of forever. I have no time for fear and I know, even if I don't want to, that you are one of those demons too. So this is the moment when you'll go down. Lower and lower, until nothing from you remains.

Remember our plans? We thought about driving across the country, live in Spain or Italy, we were going to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower, we wanted to swim with sharks and also memorize the pattern of the stars. We were going to fall in love, but now... after all that's happened, after all the blood that drips inside my body, after all the tears that have shattered my consciousness, I finally figured out that even though we are still young enough and we still got time, it is too late to keep these plans we've made... I'm a nervous wreck, I'm a broken man, but I'll find a way to move on.

Unfortunately, it's too little, too late. I'm all out of faith, my inspiration has run dried and I feel just like I am torn, my heart has been left ajar and my feelings simply pour out of it. Thought I couldn't live without you? Well, it's going to hurt what it heals too and it'll all get better in time. I had it all, but it doesn't mean anything, because know you are gone, I'm alone and every dream is lost... a wreck. I cheated myself, like I knew I would...

But I turn around, forgetting everything about you. And I see the face of an old friend... or... It's been so long that we forgot what we want... Because what we want we have already got. And this is how I solved the maze of thoughts running through my mind... Even though this day was a cruel curse, it was the day that I've come to life. She told me she'd chase me to the sky, but instead, I raced her to Moon. And through the stars we have lived since then.