Bite the blood

Look at me. Glaze into my eyes and try for at least one second to picture me as if nothing has ever happened to me ever. Not two minute ago, neither a couple of years, nor when i was young and foolish. Never. I lived a life without...indentations. No adventure had place in my heart, not even a drop of adrenaline has been poured into my blood. My young, untouched, pristine blood, red as a rose and sweet as honey. 

Would you be able to do this? To try and fade me away, lose my scars and put back together my feelings? Or would you stand in front of me, thinking that you have nothing to do, because I am already too... sacred. Walking towards me, shaking and whispering... delaying your thoughts and yielding the action. But no, you grab me forcefully and bite. You bite me. I bleed. Simple, right? There it is - adrenaline, fear, loath for dying. You think this makes up for my entire life, that life that was... "unlived"? I'm afraid you are wrong, because here and now, in front of you, my eyes stare at the floor, a creaky wooden floor, and see a little red drop splashing and dirtying the ground. 

Will you let me die here, bitten by the loving angel? 'Cause I hope I won't have to continue trying to cure myself , on a hospital bed. Do you think you can do it? Do you...? Please lick my blood and leave. It'll be better.

Iluzia infinitului

Iti amintesti de acel gang, acel intrand de care ti-am vorbit cu ani in urma? Locul de care imi era frica, crezand ca pot fi indepartat de pe drumul meu normal? Desigur ca-ti amintesti, doar ti-am vorbit insistent, povestindu-ti fiecare detaliu insignificant. Ei bine, anii au trecut, povestea s-a modificat, a fost vizibil alterata... Probabil, unii ar spune ca vad in mine o fire nebuna, altii se gandesc ca sunt tanar si... de ce nu as face asa ceva?

Fiecare pas, fiecare masina care trece pe langa mine atat de aproape, fiecare fulg de nea sau raza de soare, le simt pe toate in drumul meu zilnic spre acea poarta a fericirii. Poate ca imi formez o lume imaginara cateodata, dar ar fi atat de bine sa putem trai cu totii in ea... Fara lupte, certuri sau competitii... Poate la asta ma gandesc cand ma apropii de acea deschizatura in blocul ce isi impune o pozitie conducatoare in fata mea, terifiindu-ma de fiecare data... Si... cum as putea sa scap de acest blestem? De demonii ce ma urmaresc, ce incearca sa ma traga inapoi, de acea teama ce patrunde in oasele mele precum frigul unei zile geroase de iarna... Cum?!

La un geam, aproape de etajul 5, se vede o draperie crem, impiedicandu-mi vederea sa patrunda in ascunzisurile acelei camere... Dar nu. Poate ca eu nu pot sa privesc in sufletele celor ce salasluiesc in acel mic spatiu, umplut de un pat si, probabil, un dulapior. Dar ea, acea persoana care ma priveste zilnic, zilnic apropiindu-ma de gang, zilnic schimbandu-mi expresia fetei uitandu-ma spre cer, apoi, intuitiv, spre bloc, zilnic crezand - sperand - ca cineva ma priveste si doreste ca eu sa fiu fericit. Si de ce as dezamagi-o?

Poate ca in acea camera nu este nimic in afara firelor de praf si a draperiei crem. Poate nicio urma de viata nu vegheaza asupra drumului meu. Poate ca nimanui nu ii pasa de mine, de ceea ce fac si de ceea ce simt... Dar nu este, oare, mai bine sa cred?

Si, intr-adevar, dupa ce acest gand imi fulgera prin minte, privesc spre cerul innorat sau spre soarele stralucind, imi indept privirea catre draperia crem, acoperita de o fereastra murdara, de la etajul 5, si un zambet mi se intipareste pe fata.

It's a wild world...

It's hard to get by just upon a smile... But after all, it's just the coldest story ever told. Ever heard. You lost your soul to someone so heartless, but you didn't care. You went on, knowing how heartless you've become as well.  Friends are surrounding you, but only that man is the only one that matters. Nothing else matters for you - desires, pleasure, love or friendship. You're like sparkling water, jumping out from my glass - never know when you're gonna explode, innit?

What are you waiting for? The cue? Your whole life is a cue... so why not try it now...? The more you extend your pain, you may prologue someone else's pain as well. I'm gonna take off tonight. Into the night. I'll leave you rot in there, because it seems you're not the only insensitive one. It seems I've become heartless, just as you were.

Hope

Breathe happiness and exhale love. You'll get used to it and as much as you'd like to say that you'll like it forever, you know that by tomorrow you'll be tired of this routine. This is what happens to everyone... everything. Why do you think you left? You wanted something new, of course. Why have the birds stopped from singing? They wanted to listen to the world, without their sounds. To see how would it be without them.

However, why do you think my blood stopped from its usual track when I saw you? I guess that yes, I was tired and I left, but then, when I saw you again you revived memories in me, I relived feelings that I thought I'd never be able to feel again. And then? Then what? Did I think you were going to input one of your dark kisses on my lips? Fill them with dirt, shame and shivers? Did I think I'd live like this, wanting, but not receiving?

I'm telling you, a heart can't be unbroken. I hope you get all that you want, 'cause I didn't. And when I finally figured that out, my blood resurrected. But it was too late... And that was the moment when I fell on the floor, having nothing to feel at all...

This time, 9/11 won't be the death of us

So many unrequited loves, so many kids playing with toys, so many lives... lost. Ten years ago, nothing seemed to be wrong in New York, but something was. And it was scary, terrifying, tormenting. So many things were lost, so many died without fulfilling their goal in life... It was a game, but this time, the good character lost. And he lost a big fortune - people's lives. And not just a few, hundreds, thousands, hundreds of thousands.

Maybe this time, we'll make the right movement. Maybe this time somebody will become a singer after years of pain and torture,  crawling to the top and auditioning every once in a while... Maybe somebody will end up on a stage, this time, to take a bow and receive a standing ovation. Maybe. Maybe we'll live after ten years, with safety in our hearts. Or maybe not, because we've seen already that we can be brought down. We can collapse. We can die. We, we are not eternal. We are infinite.

Love (II)

Maybe we forgot what we want, but I do know what I crave for right now. Yes, I need love, no matter how hard it could be for me to achieve it and no matter who'd be the one who gave it to me. My world begins to crumble and I can no longer steady myself on the ground that's shaking beneath my feet. But I know that you'll be there and you'll rescue me, just like I would've saved you from the devil's tongue. But... is this really what I want? Is this really love?

I don't want you to check my every movement, I don't want you to verify my breathing every time and I definitely don't want you to take my hand and make me do everything you say. Love helps you compliment each other's life, but all that you do could be easily classified as complicating it. I'd like to heal for the honey and to feel all the sweetness that you have, but I'm no longer that person that indulges in a bath of sugar and then comes alive all happy, just to start again - sharing kisses, making out and falling in each other's arms. Being poised by your words and sipping on your saliva just as it would be earl grey. No, I don't even want to think about such things. They disgust me. I am disgusted by stalkers and you, my lovely dear, are just the perfect one.

I believe it, you are always there for me, you always answer my questions. But I suddenly stopped liking "always". Yesterday I was the one who believed in jealousy, today, when my veil has finally been lifted off my eyes, I don't believe in always any more. I don't believe in stalking, I don't trust air-sucking presences. I want space. More than you could imagine. I wish those words that came out of your mouth weren't for me. Disappointingly, everything you say regards me - someone's hair is not as nice as mine, someone's piece of clothing is so... silly in comparison with mine, personality, life, friends, family.

What? You thought that if at first you don't succeed you have to lie? To lie again? To crawl your way up to me? No, love, I ain't up high, but you just gotta know the way to my heart, through the maze of sentimental debris. And it is a secret, precious one. One you'll never be able to figure out. Love is when your insides twist. But do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... And that's when you know it was love.

A crush can last a lot, but love lasts forever. You, you think you love me, but... I'm your little secret crush, I'm the one who appears in every dream you have, but I'm also the one that refused your heart. You were willing to give it away, but I didn't take it. I didn't want it. It seems that, after all, I always say "Hi, hi, hi" just to... just to tell you "Bye, bye, bye...". And that is not what love feels like. Mostly because love means two. Two bodies, albeit only one soul. And you are neither my missing body nor my other part of my soul. 

We could be acquaintances. I love my friends and I don't love you. I don't believe in that love, that childish love - holding hands, cuddling, drinking wine and living in the twilight. I reckon my time for loving has passed... I may collect jars of hearts, but I don't want yours close to me. 

One day. That day.

They think it's just a park, I know it's the place where so many things have happened to me. Some believe that year was never going to end, I hoped it would never end. People see that lake just like an old poodle, full of dirt and algae. I believe it's the best view I could ever get. That was a building for them - one that was about to crash. For me? The magical place that helped me in the most difficult situations. And that little shop right there that they brought down? That's the place I once bought a lollipop from. Memories. I am the only one that has certain views upon places, people and feelings. Only I know what they meant to me.

That's exactly why for some it was that day when it rained like in a shower and for me it was one of the best days I could ever live. And that month? That hard month when somebody was in debt, some had issues and some were sad? Someone made it special for me, making me understand that anything can happen whilst people live different things. We don't experience the same think. At least, not in the same moment. We don't stand a chance at being profoundly happy altogether. It would be a waist of time to be grieving at the same moment. And what about love? Does it deserve being lived, felt at the same moment or it is wrong, because some may love the same person and will end up suffering?

I may be thinking that a drop of water, silly as it is, is my only chance to stay alive. But others? Others try to block it from wetting them, try to shoo it away, to get rid of it. And what is this all about, after all? About differences, and how we can like differently, feel different things? Or is it just because of the selfishness that makes us want something no one possesses? New. Untested.

So much has happened then - fear, joy, loathing, happiness, anxiety and desire. Then. They see it as a day. I remember it as being that day.

May the odds be ever in your favor!

She told me she'd chase me to the sky. It was a bright winter morning when I saw her sobbing next to a tree. I wanted to help, I wanted to comfort her and tell her that everything is going to be alright. I wanted her to stop crying, because it makes my heart crumble inside. And then, I did it. As if knowing what I'd thought, she told me with a silver chuckle: "It's going to be the best day of your life".

I was overwhelmed by the whirlwind that caught me, drowning my soul into darkness. Or was it more than that? A feeling I've never felt before... contempt? Happiness? The bright lights, the city getting bigger and bigger around me, I knew that's the crazy, cold world waiting for me, but I tried to stop it, I tried to find her. I wanted her to give me a little more than happiness embellished and polished with fear. I'm not calling you a liar, girl, but please don't lie to me. My heart is going to explode into thousands fireworks, one of them being you indeed. And then? How will it all change? I can't take one more step for you... I'm waiting and waiting, but the soreness  inside my heart aches each time I think that I'm just a ghost. Your ghost. Who do you think you are to make me feel like this? Wandering an exhausting city, with nothing but my soul to offer. Alone, in the dark. Disappointed.  I'm circling the thoughts that never leave me, but guess what! This is going to be the last day of this cruel imprisonment. I want to live. Because everything in love is a lie. I closed my eyes and let go of her hand.

Life is bigger than you and me and I know that the distance in your eyes says it all. You know, I'm crouched in a corner, living forever with the fear that before you died you smiled. Scratch that, you laughed vigorously. You said you need someone like everybody does. I'm no different than you, but you point your finger at everyone but yourself, you blame the people you love that only want to help. We'll meet and together, we'll fight these demons of forever. I have no time for fear and I know, even if I don't want to, that you are one of those demons too. So this is the moment when you'll go down. Lower and lower, until nothing from you remains.

Remember our plans? We thought about driving across the country, live in Spain or Italy, we were going to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower, we wanted to swim with sharks and also memorize the pattern of the stars. We were going to fall in love, but now... after all that's happened, after all the blood that drips inside my body, after all the tears that have shattered my consciousness, I finally figured out that even though we are still young enough and we still got time, it is too late to keep these plans we've made... I'm a nervous wreck, I'm a broken man, but I'll find a way to move on.

Unfortunately, it's too little, too late. I'm all out of faith, my inspiration has run dried and I feel just like I am torn, my heart has been left ajar and my feelings simply pour out of it. Thought I couldn't live without you? Well, it's going to hurt what it heals too and it'll all get better in time. I had it all, but it doesn't mean anything, because know you are gone, I'm alone and every dream is lost... a wreck. I cheated myself, like I knew I would...

But I turn around, forgetting everything about you. And I see the face of an old friend... or... It's been so long that we forgot what we want... Because what we want we have already got. And this is how I solved the maze of thoughts running through my mind... Even though this day was a cruel curse, it was the day that I've come to life. She told me she'd chase me to the sky, but instead, I raced her to Moon. And through the stars we have lived since then.

Best day of your life

I'm gonna race you to the sky, I'm gonna race you to the sky... But when this is going to get boring, we'll have a walk to the moon and back. You'll see how quick we're gonna arrive, and you'll want more. And why is that? Because that might possibly be the best day of your life. And, why not?, you'll get to spend it with me.

Back to basics or ahead to... *big question mark*

Inainte era atat de diferit. Puteam sa spun ca ma doare ceva, fara sa inglobez o propozitie atat de simpla in mii si mii de constructii fantastice, fabuloase sau mai stiu eu cum, pentru ca singurul scop pe care-l aveam era ca cel care citeste ceea ce am scris sa ma inteleaga. Acum nu, nu mai este asa... Ma prefac ca tin in mana o penita prinsa cu minutiozitate de un batran pe-o pana alba, imi imaginez ca o misc in sus si in jos pentru a crea un cuvant, un cuvant care inca nu si-a primit semnificatia de drept. De ce mi-am pierdut aceasta libertate de-a-mi afisa sentimentele ce ma domina clipa de clipa? A inceput sa-mi fie frica? A inceput sa-mi... pese?

M-am transformat oare, in sfarsit, din acel insensibil ce nu putea sa-si imagineze universul cu altcineva langa el intr-o persoana simpla, umila, ce recunoaste ca inima este cel mai important organ si ca este singura care ne intelege mereu? Sau poate ca gresesc, nu ne intelege niciodata, pentru ca altfel n-am mai suferi. Si totusi, sunt oare intr-o stare de suferinta care m-a adus pana in acest punct critic de a crede ca mi-am pierdut insensibilitatea? Ca am renuntat la ea pentru cateva firide de sentimente pasnice, inocente? Ei bine, dezamagire, dar nu.

Sau poate ca unii au descoperit ca idiocratia persoanei mele se termina intr-un punct. Poate ca sunt radioactiv si eu...?

In the night your heart is fooling by the money empty

But baby I'm the one who left you, you're not the one who left me 

When you’re around me, 

I’m radioactive 

My blood is burning,

Radioactive I'm turning radioactive 

My blood is radioactive 

My heart is nuclear 

Love is all that I feel 

I'm turning radioactive 

My blood is radioactive.

Si ce? Ar trebui sa ma intorc la origini? Ce-as rezolva? Nu as putea manca struguri stand pe un taburet. Nu as primi nicio pala de vant de la evantaie uriase. Nu sunt un zeu. Si nu, nu as putea fi. Nici pentru tine, nici pentru mine. Ce? Totul este o tortura, dar am invatat sa traiesc cu durerea. Stiu ca ai devenit o parte din mine si am invatat sa traiesc cu tine - cu cicatricele, cu ura, cu treburile neterminate dintre noi doi. Imi este dor de lumina, dar stiu cat doare... Mi-e greu sa ma contopesc din nou cu ea. Prefer sa raman in intuneric si sa zambesc. Zambesc cu lacrimi, pentru ca asta este cel mai bun lucru pe care-l pot face. Cel mai bun lucru pe care-l vei primi de la mine.

Nu vreau sa traiesc cu frica si repulsie... Sau? Asta este ceea ce vreau mai presus de orice doar pentru ca m-am obisnuit cu sentimentul de a fi trait mai multe vieti. Sa fi fost totusi mai multe persoane in acelasi timp? Vreau sa simt ca plustesc, ca explodez si ca ma cutremur in acelasi timp. 


Nu am terminat cu siguranta acest post. Nu am terminat sa-mi insir ideile pe o pagina, fara sa gandesc macar putin, ca altadata... M-am saturat de reguli, dar tot pe ele le voi urma. Sa spunem ca acesta a fost un mic respiro, o mica amintire... cum era acum un an, cum scriam tot ce-mi venea in minte la per tu, crezand ca farmec pe cineva. Gunoaie. Asta erau cuvintele de pe-atunci si pesemne ca si cele de acum. Nu m-am schimbat. Ele de ce ar face-o?